Excuse Me, Your Geek is Showing

For the past two years, I have been enjoying a podcast called Geekson. Those of you who know me will surely know of what I speak because I mention it often. I've never felt closer to four people I haven't met. They live in L.A. and all have very successful careers and are extremely intelligent, in my opinion. I call them "my friends" when I speak of them, and my wife has stopped correcting me at this point. She knows that when I come home and tell her something funny Aaron said today that I am not speaking of the Aaron I work with, but Aaron from Geekson.

I won't go into the details of the show, if you're interested and have the time, you can check them out yourselves. They talk about "geeky" movies, video games, board games, and books. It's a lot more than that though. I've come to really enjoy their insight into many topics, and to trust their judgement. They are about to record their 100th episode, and I've listened to all of the previous one at least two times apiece.

They have read some of my emails on the show, which excited me beyond belief, but it came to a culmination about a month ago when one of the Geeks called me. I had emailed Peter, a writer in Hollywood, about some writing questions I had. He emailed me back and asked for my phone number. That alone was enough to elate me, but then within an hour my phone rang. It was like I was in seventh grade and the cutest girl in the school was calling me. I of course played it cool though. We talked about writing for an hour and fifteen minutes. It was a really fun conversation. He really went out of his way to help me through some things, and for that, I am very appreciative.

These are great guys, guys you'd want to be friends with. They are entertaining and enlightening. If you go to http://www.geekson.com/ and click on Show Archive, you will find all of their past episodes and what they talk about on each show. I hope you will find them as enjoyable as I do. Maybe you'll even turn into a geek yourself. For your own sake though, hope that you do, because we are taking over the world, and if you want a slice of the pie in the end, you better jump on board now. Have a great geek week.

My Answer to High Gas Prices

Foxtrot is one of my favorite comics of all-time. Many of them hit so close to home it's scary. This is the one from Sunday. It's not in my "top 10" of Foxtrots, but it is current with the times, and pretty funny if you think about it so I thought I'd share.

The Top Pot Spots

This is an idea that a really good friend of mine and I came up with while we were in college. I can't take any credit for most of the research for this project, Brandon conducted pretty much all of the initial tests, but I am finally going to put the finishing touches on it. We were going to put this in the school newspaper, but there was no way to remain anonymous--plus, as you are about to see, we really didn't want these secrets to get out to the public, then they wouldn't be secrets anymore! But now that we are a few years removed, I feel I can safely pass the information on to the next generation. So without further adieu...


The Top 4 Bathrooms at Fort Hays State University

4. Wiest Hall, first floor lobby, handicap bathroom
--This fourth place flusher was the most spacious bathroom you could find on campus. It had a lockable door, and plenty of room. It also had the most powerful flush I've ever seen--it could be heard clearly from the front desk. Even though the door could be locked, there wasn't much privacy. Many people walked by, and it wasn't as peaceful.

Pros:
--Very spacious
--Power flusher

Cons:
--Too public
--Not very peaceful

3. Memorial Union, basement bathroom (no longer in existence)
--The third place on campus sat in a place that is no more. The basement of the union has since been renovated, and that bathroom is now gone. A shame it was to see it go. At the time, this was one of the most private bathrooms around. It was not lockable, however, it didn't need to be--it was simply that no one came to the basement, there was nothing down there for anyone outside of UAB. It was also very clean. It was cleaned as regularly as the other union lavatories, but didn't get the use.

Pros:
--Very clean
--Very private

Cons:
--Could have used more space
--A rather boring bathroom, nice, but boring

2. Wiest Hall, first floor A-Section, guest room (no longer accessible)
--This number two number twoer was a very close second. A completely lockable, private bathroom, this one was exclusive to R.A.'s and the occasional overnight female guest, (but 99% R.A.'s). This was an empty room with a bathroom equipped with toilet, sink, and shower. Reading material was a requirement for this popular spot, but it tended to get a little messy. A-Section has now been locked off, isolating this once thriving location.

Pros:
--Lockable, private
--Spacious
--Reading material encouraged

Cons:
--Not always the cleanest
--R.A. hot spot means occasional limited access
--The possibility of handing a waiting female guest the key when you're finished.

1. Custer Hall, fourth floor faculty bathroom
--This bathroom grabbed the top pot spot for it's unique bathroom experience. This bathroom is located on a faculty floor in Custer Hall. It is a co-ed bathroom which means it is lockable, a definite plus in times of needed privacy. The stalls were spacious, not wide open, but not too cramped either. The best and most unique thing about this bathroom above all bathrooms was the view. The end stall offered a window which, while sitting, could open and give the viewer access to the sidewalk below, not to mention a pleasant breeze that circulated in and around.

Pros:
--Lockable, private
--Pleasantly spacious
--Off the beaten path
--The view from above
--Air circulation

Cons:
--A disturbing knock once in a great while
--The cold, Kansas winter air at times was not pleasant

This is the World

Stop for a moment and think about the person you know who likes spring training the most. Odds are, it's a black guy. The beginning of NFL spring training is a second Christmas for black guys. They get calls from old friends (former classmates), take time off from work, drink and often cry. No tradition-in any holiday-is more sacred than filling out fantasy draft reports. But under no condition should you attempt to start your own fantasy league. No matter where you work, a black guy has been running a league there for at least a year. To him, this responsibility is vastly more important than his actual job, and attempting to take the league away is like overthrowing a dictator: it can be done, but it's messy. (If you're able to wrest away the league, the former commissioner's rage will likely manifest during a company softball game, no doubt causing an incident.) Should you opt against a coup-and you should-then you must wait for the commish to either leave or die. Once this happens, a power vacuum will develop among the remaining black guys in the office. If you want to ward them off, you must display a keen understanding of your co-workers. Are they traditionalists? If so, a live draft will earn favor. Is the workplace fast-paced? Then an online, automatic selection, requiring little effort, will be appreciated. A clever name for you league is obviously required and will often act as the deciding factor. Once peace is restored, you can relax and join your black peers as they cheer for underdog players who are "sure to be the sleepers of this year's league."

So what did we all think of this article? How many of you were saying, "Boy Josh, this isn't like you. This is rather racist." Go ahead, raise your hands--I am. In fact I had a most uncomfortable time writing it. Would it surprise you then, to hear that I did not write this article? Well, not the whole article anyway. This is an almost word-for-word transcription of an article that I recently read in ESPN Magazine. Just substitute every "black guy" for "white guy," and every "fantasy league" for "NCAA pool."

So the obvious question to me is: How did an okay, just for laughs article written about white guys turn into a taboo, "Did he just say that?" article when the race of the subjects were changed. What is it about the world today that would label me "racist" for writing the above article, but would publish and laud the writer that said the same things about white guys? It is a world in which people like me feel uncomfortable writing articles like this for fear they will be branded as a bigot. I am not. I couldn't be further from it, but I do take issue with the few extremists out there who, in my opinion, are the very ones stagnating progress. They are taking every perceived offense, and making it into something it's not, starting fires, and dividing people instead of bringing them together. I must end here, leave this a thinking topic rather than a talking topic, and in doing so...proving my point.

Unemployment For an Evil Overlord

June 18, 2008

Mr. Darth Vader
The Death Star
A Galaxy Far Far Away
09909-2444


Dear Mr. Vader,

Thank you for your interest in the Sales Manager position with us here at Apple. We were very impressed with your resume and cover letter and how you presented yourself in your interview. We were all very fond of the story of how you brought balance to the force. We feel that you would make an exemplary employee.

However, we regret to inform you that this position has been filled internally. We could not justify hiring you based on your limited work experience as "Dark Lord of the Sith" alone, though you held that position for a number of years. We were also pressed to rule out your ability to "force choke the competition into submission" as that is a violation of section 4, sub-section C in our policy manual detailing the use of physical aggression as a means of coercion, regardless of the proximity.

We will keep your resume on file, and should any positions arise that require your unique ability to duel with a lightsaber or destroy a planet with your Death Star, we will contact you in a timely manner. Thank you again for your interest with us here at Apple Mr. Vader.

On a personal note, we were glad to hear about the reunion between you and your long lost son. Congratulations!


Sincerely,

Jim Burns
Director of Human Resources

Stairway to Heaven

In the past, I had many discussions with a good friend of mine on this debatable subject. We would go back and forth on the issues, offering up "what ifs" and "how about this" scenarios, but to no real avail, just the rise of more and more questions. I recently picked back up the conversation with my wife and have already changed my mind at least two more times. It's a hard topic because in analytical thought, there is no tangible proof, so it's logical to be a skeptic. It's all in what you believe to be true, faith if you will. You can use real-world rationale to try and justify your belief, but when it comes down to it, that's all it is, belief, opinion, feeling. That's what makes this question so hard, the question of what happens to you when you die. Not you in a physical sense, but you as a person, as a spirit, as a soul. What happens to your you when your body dies?

First of all, I personally believe in an afterlife. I believe in eternal life and I believe that there is a greater purpose to what we are doing here on earth. Those are my beliefs, and I think they are pretty much on par with what a majority of the world's people believe as well. It starts to deviate when I say that I am a Christian and believe that people who have lived a life of good, and who have accepted Jesus into their heart as their savior will join him in heaven when they die. Not all people believe this. Obviously people who aren't Christian don't, they have their own deity and their own belief on afterlife, but there are also some Christians who believe that you don't go right to heaven, personally, I do. That doesn't make me right or wrong, that's just what I believe to be true.

So what is heaven? What and where is this mysterious place that I you go to upon your death? You hear of "bright lights" and "pearly gates," but what is it really? When hearing peoples descriptions, I have yet to hear one that I could not logically find fault in. Here are just two examples:

1. Heaven is a collection of all of your happy memories and people you love and the things you love to do.

--What about babies or people who die before their time? There is a lifetime of memories, people, and things that they will not get to experience, therefore, won't be with them in heaven. I'd hate to think of being without some of the people/memories I have encountered just in the past few years, let alone a whole life's worth. Where is the eternal happiness in spending it alone?

2. Heaven is a wonderful place without pain and suffering. A place where your soul is at rest for eternity and reunited with loved ones and God.

--If I were to die today there would be such pain in my heart and longing for my wife, my son, and all my friends and family that I could not possibly be at rest. Even though I would be in a place "without suffering," I know I would suffer every day without them.(To counter argue that, I do in fact have a whole other theory on the continuity of time between heaven and earth that I will explore at a later date.)

Now, if you are as cynical as I tend to be at times and think these things through, you can probably find a reason why your own theory of heaven might be a bit diaphanous. But let's face it, the real reason it is so hard to conjure up a plausible image, an idea of what heaven is, is because from the moment we learn of our own mortality the concept of eternal life, persisting on forever, is simply too much to comprehend. How can anyone understand the idea of living for eternity when from an early age we have known that our time on earth is limited, that there is a timer on life. We can't. Eternal life is what we believe...but we cannot understand it. That, to me, is the heart of faith, a notion without comprehension, and that is what this is all about. One of my most favorite quotes outlines this better than I ever could. It goes like this:

"Faith is not granted by tangible truth. It comes from the heart and the soul. If one needs proof of a god's existence, then the very notion of spirituality is diminished into a sensuality, and we have reduced what is holy into what is logical."

There you have it, poetry. If we need proof, if we need to think our faith through to come up with why heaven will or will not work, then we have missed the mark entirely. It is because of our faith that a heaven for us even exists. If you believe in God and all that he has done and is capable of doing in your life, how can you doubt his ability to create a personal heaven for your soul after your earthly life is done? If you believe and still have doubt then you are letting your head get in the way of that belief and you have yet to take a leap of faith.

I am not perfect. If you thought I was going to have all the answers for your eternal soul, then I'm sorry to have failed you. To address the original topic, what happens to you when you die, the answer is I don't know. Through all of the rambling I leave you and me both with more questions. My advice would be this: think about your own life and your own beliefs. What do YOU think awaits your soul. If you can believe it, and if you can believe in God, why not believe that God can do it for you. I have my opinions about heaven. They don't make me right or wrong. I am aware of the fact that I may not even be close. But then again, I am working on my faith in God, and that, if you use logic, gives me a 50/50 chance of being right.

Son of Man

His face once an apple did hide,

A secret to keep it he tried,

Twas found an apple it's not,

But ideals* he sought,

His own apple belied what's inside.

*Insert your apple here.

Fun at Work

Everyday...

All I hear...

Is that damn cell phone...

Eeeeevery rrrrrrose has it's thorn berrrrrrrrrrrrr nerrrrrrrrrr!

Put it on vibrate. For goodness sake man, put it on vibrate.

Jack Johnson Had it Right

"Tonight on the six o'clock news: stories that will make you wish you were dead."

-Gas prices are once again hitting a record high leaving consumers frustrated and helpless.
-A teenage mother leaves her baby in a dumpster, family members claim bi-polar disorder.
-A man is on the loose sexually assaulting and killing elderly women.
-Gas prices are once again hitting a record high, higher that five minutes ago.
-Constant rainfall is flooding states in the midwest leaving thousands stranded, global warming is blamed.
-Record high temperatures are plaguing the east coast as residents try to keep cool, global warming seems to be the culprit.
-A man who was shopping with his family was stabbed twice in broad daylight at the mall. No suspects found.
-On a lighter note: the new iPhone was released today, which...no one can afford due to record high gas prices that...just went up again.

"Have a good night."